two months

The closer I get to Melissa as a friend the more I see her as only such. This is a good thing. The closer I get to Melissa as a friend the more hopeless I feel. It is a charade. Just over two months ago we could sit in the same room and smile about the same things and then lay in each other's arms and again smile at the same things. In an instant that vanished. Truly an instant. There were excruciatingly painful issues at play but there was still companionship and loyalty and, I thought, love.

I just don't want to be so fucking sad anymore.

I am well aware that I will move on someday and this death will get harder then easier then harder and so on. But Melissa is not replaceable. And contrary to what she may believe neither am I. I am not so easily forgotten and I matter a lot more than I am being shown I do.

I have a lot of work to do and even more that I hope to accomplish in the semi-long run.

Three members of my ex-family moved to Spain a couple days ago. I cried for the distance and I cried because I have been ostracized for nothing I had done. They call me family but I do not feel it. All dynamics have changed and I am reeling from the daily shock that practically nothing I cared for is around anymore. In only two fucking months.