Now I am Everything

I meditated at work today and carried a gem stone around with me in my pocket. I don't know what good or otherwise it did or what power it has other than what God has imbued it with. And with saying that I say this: "I acknowledge I am a mystic." And I need a mystic lover. Someone who can leave the ground. Someone who can look down and not be afraid. Although I say that as I hold rocks in my pocket keeping me very close to the Earth.

This was once written on parchment and tacked to our wall:

"Anyone who believes what he sees is a mystic. In the dark move slowly." - tuomas anhava

I am not sure if that is actually his last name or if that is actually two fractions of different quotes or what but those phrases have stuck with me in a penetrating sort of way that practically nothing else ever has. This was the sort of thing she surrounded our life with. And I was/am grateful.

There was a time songs were written for me and flowers were put in my hair and my feet were massaged. Now I am everything you could never want and in some ways detest. I am very nearly the same person I was and I still have excitement about her future even though I may find the curtain coming sharply down on top of my head as soon as the inevitable legal proceedings take their course.

I never thought I would say this but I deserve someone much, much better. I deserve it.