A single man

I know this doesn't mean a thing in a reasonable or practical sense but the .25 inch space where my left ring finger attaches to the rest of my hand that used to be occupied by a simple white gold band has been sensing a phantom ring for the past few days. The ring was a reminder of enduring commitment, unflagging devotion, and care above all else for another. It seems its absence makes just as much noise.

To an extent, this is how I know (or hope I know) I am proceeding in correct a manner as possible: clarifying joy? I state that questioningly because I am not certain that is truly the right way to describe what I am feeling. I am certainly joyful in moments of clarity when it seems that I have a handle on the meaning of the past and the present is not a burden and the future is of course unknown but not frightening. Sadly these moments are few and far between but I find they always arrive when I deliberately make a decision. When I do not merely allow things to happen to me. Whenever I do that I get smashed by a bulldozer or lose my keys or get denied a job interview. But when I truly and fully stand up for myself and do the things I know I must to see that not-so-frightening future come to pass I feel the fleeting joy. It comes and it goes but I swear it is keeping me alive or at least letting me know I actually am alive. Feeling pain after pain does not feel much like living so when a small streak of light makes it through the blinds it can fill up a whole room. And I have a lot of empty rooms these days.

I made up my mind not to alter my tone when writing on this. This is basically my diary and I believe only two or three people read this sporadically. So who do I think I am impressing anyway? This is the way I write when it just flows out and I am going to celebrate that as opposed to apologizing for it. I need to celebrate myself a little more anyway since it is ridiculous to me now to think that someone else would want to.