I want you to know, you are the sleep that sleeps between my toes

Tonight was the first time in a very long time that I was angry in public. Perhaps no one noticed. (Except probably Rachel, to whom I once again could not apologize enough). I didn't beat anyone up, damage any property, or scream in a pissed off manner. But I felt furious. I felt enraged. It was insatiable.

I met for the first time today with who will most likely become my new therapist. She was wonderful. Mainly because, and this is no indictment of my friends and how they have lovingly treated me, I felt listened to thoroughly for the first time since everything has occured. Her eyes were so compassionate and her remorse was so evident. I wept for an hour and a half in her office recalling the most excruciating few months I have ever and hopefully will ever endure. I had a morning full of hope. I spoke with my mother and father and they are such loving champions of my dreams. They make it seem as though I really can accomplish those things I always hoped I was intelligent and tenacious enough to acheive.

And that is all very well and very good but like I said in an earlier post, Melissa is not replaceable. Least of which by my parents. I want a peer to be not merely a friend and not merely a lover. I want what I was duped into believing was right in front of me for three and a half years. I want validation for existing from one person who is able to appreciate me. Not only able, because there are plenty of people who have the ability to appreciate someone else, but who desires to appreciate me. Who dreams of ways to make that happen. Who plans each day a new way to show me I matter and their life would be nothing but a gaping throat of darkness without me. I want what I thought I had. Someone who thinks romantically about me without it being a pain to them to do so. I want to be their joy. I really want Melissa to stop being my joy but I had to love both of us and therefore I truly loved her as myself and now that she wants to severe our promise I cannot help but feel the gouges and broken bones and gasping arteries that have been sheared apart.

The only thing I want from her is to do this next step together, compassionately and with full respect for both of our thoughts on every aspect of it. It has become her doing this thing TO me and that was never what I wanted. Even at my lowest when I told her I did not want to stay married to her I never meant I wanted either of us to rend our marriage and in doing so make a mockery of it. It meant everything to me and I am so sorrowful to see it get trampled upon.