revel

I asked Jenny if I told her I love her enough. She jumped down off my desk, stretched out on the floor lifting her rump as high in the air as she could without lifting her chin and chest but a few fractions of an inch from the hardwood floor. Like a flawless transition from yoga pose to pose she straightened out and looked me straight in the face with her large, uncommonly gorgeous green eyes. At first she just yawned, licked her upper lip and finally said, "meow." For Jenny Any Dots is my adoring cat. Yet I still think I want a dog. I must really have it bad.

Remember what I said about the universe shitting on my face? Well, it has struck again. My already, sadly abused vehicle was smashed into by a medium sized bulldozer. Yes, a bulldozer. And I left the second pair of gloves I have lost in two weeks at the movie theater. In the first case I was just trying to do my civic duty and dispose of my live Christmas tree responsibly and in the second I was merely trying to stay comfortable during an intriguing movie. I have experienced enforce two old adages: No good deed goes unpunished and there is no comfort for the miserable. Or something to that effect. Luckily at the Christmas tree recycling/disposal spot I was with two incredibly calming and edifying new friends who helped me remain composed as I surveyed the damage and came to the conclusion that I truly am the protaganist in the Coen Brothers' A Serious Man. I am Job. Nothing gold can stay and apparently no gloved hand shall remain as such.

It is truly and despicably unfair that I have no one to hold me when I could not possibly need to be held throughout the night more. That is probably the hardest idea to bear. When I am most in need of being loved without regard I am being shown that I am unlovely and a fool to believe in love that doesn't regard any obstacle worth regarding. And this is stealing my happiness. For the first time in my life I had an occupation I actually loved and now I take absolutely no joy in it. It is not only that but I feel as though every moment of everyday is all but fruitless. I am utterly dry and if Jesus commanded me to produce him an apple I don't believe I could and he might as well demand that I shrivel and die. Perhaps that is precisely what has taken place. I don't believe in that kind of vengeful God but sometimes personal doctrines change with new revelations.