Do they beat the drum to get you back home or do they beat it to keep you away

I have spent the last two and a half months crying instead of sleeping. Drinking coffee to gain the energy to smile. Spending time with people only because to be alone is to be engulfed in flames.

When we were eating some sort of enchiladas on Pier 30-something right next to the water I should have thrown myself over the edge and ended your misery and put out my impending fire.

I refuse to be someone else's experimental life experience. I will be cherished.

Now I am Everything

I meditated at work today and carried a gem stone around with me in my pocket. I don't know what good or otherwise it did or what power it has other than what God has imbued it with. And with saying that I say this: "I acknowledge I am a mystic." And I need a mystic lover. Someone who can leave the ground. Someone who can look down and not be afraid. Although I say that as I hold rocks in my pocket keeping me very close to the Earth.

This was once written on parchment and tacked to our wall:

"Anyone who believes what he sees is a mystic. In the dark move slowly." - tuomas anhava

I am not sure if that is actually his last name or if that is actually two fractions of different quotes or what but those phrases have stuck with me in a penetrating sort of way that practically nothing else ever has. This was the sort of thing she surrounded our life with. And I was/am grateful.

There was a time songs were written for me and flowers were put in my hair and my feet were massaged. Now I am everything you could never want and in some ways detest. I am very nearly the same person I was and I still have excitement about her future even though I may find the curtain coming sharply down on top of my head as soon as the inevitable legal proceedings take their course.

I never thought I would say this but I deserve someone much, much better. I deserve it.