the more i sink into the ground...

I was angry last night. I didn't want to keep it internal but I wanted to keep it pointed inward so no one else would have to care. It is painful when everything hurts and there is no understanding from within so how could I presume that any could possibly come from without, and not from lacking trying, bless her poor, unsatisfied need to save me from myself.

I hadn't written a poem in over a year or perhaps longer. Unless there is one I wrote on here that I have forgotten about. But the intent is always so different for me when I use pencil and my yellow legal pad as opposed to a laptop. I think I had forgotten about catharsis and even truth or honesty. I have just been mostly depressed this past week and I don't know how to pray so my mutterings when I am alone have been requests for instruction on how to request instruction. And I need it to be okay that I barely know the one I'm asking because I am so afraid all the time.

Peacebone

I am going soon. Going to Ohio and going to Canada and just plain going places. Lot's to see and do. I have proven to myself that a lot can be done with a little bit of money and a willingness to just "be." It is most certainly a deeply spiritual experience to just sit, think, and understand. The brain is powerful and can communicate and perceive in dimensions other senses are too limited to penetrate. I bet God interacts in that firmament more than outside of it. Not because He can't but because when He does anything in time and space is ultimately categorized and digested into something far too understandable to be anything God-like.

Man, Animal Collective is so good. And I love the word gnaw. Gnaw gnaw gnaw. grrrr.

A couple days ago I dissed Pearl Jam and had my bowels handed to me by Melissa. Not that she is an avid defender of all things Pearl Jam but I was ignorant of the premise of their mega-super-hit "Jeremy." Being the smash single that it was in the early nineties I saw many clips of the music video on several VH-1 "this is what happened when you were growing up" shows. But all I ever connected the video with was a very creepy, shadowy and slightly silly Eddie Vedder and quick shots of a boy at school. I had no clue it was about a true story of a young boy who was picked on so much at school that he was driven to commit suicide at his school. Melissa was right, it is a very important social issue and it was very apt and responsible of Pearl Jam to expose it to the MTV watching youth who would someday be able to be in a position to put a stop to such abuse firsthand. I mocked the song and the video. I felt so foolish. I spouted off rash judgements and I really appreciate Melissa for calling me out for lack of a better phrase. I really want to not be cruel to anything. I hate feeling regret over things I say. When I say mean things, even about things I really have no reason to care about, I usually end up feelings remorseful. What a terrible feeling.

brandonpiercegeary