I have heard this from a great number of my friends in the past few months. Usually it is followed by some form of an encouragement telling me I should focus on myself or get to know who I truly am.
I have always been introspective to a fault. I have always been well aware of my blunders and even more aware of my achievements. I know my limits, my destructive tendencies and the extent of my abilities and traits at least in relation to the people I measure these things against. I am brutally self aware and have been so as long as I can remember.
I know what part my actions have played in my misery. And I am dreadfully remorseful for these things. I am not beating myself up. I am taking responsibility and attempting to amend what my foolishness has broken. For my part I apologize.
As far as what is left now that my marriage is dissolving I am attempting to sit in the middle of the floor of my bedroom and pull all the pieces toward me and then chase other things. The way I saw it I didn't need any of the other shit because I had someone to live for. Perhaps the Christian perspective (which is the one I wholeheartedly attempt to ascribe to) would tell me I should have lived for Christ and all these things would be added unto me. Perhaps but it was my solemn act of worship to God for what was given to me in a loving, beautiful, intelligent woman. And I truly thought that nothing but death would separate us. I was content. I was alive. But it's going to be a smooth death and my heart has a million miles to go.
"We are the sun, we are the sun, we are the sun, we are the sun" goddammit
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