I honestly thought this could be the end. Ordinary life is a struggle I clearly am not equipped to struggle through.
I interviewed today for a higher position at the company I currently work for. This was my second interview and, to my knowledge, the one that really seals the deal. I am not sure what it was. Probably knowing what was at stake if I blew the interview. But I didn't keep my cool. I stammered and shook and went on and on about nothing. I prepared excessively and I truly believe I choked.
When I returned home I nearly passed out. I had indeed worried myself sick. I had put all my eggs in this basket and the thought of not accomplishing this made my head ache feverishly and my body swoon. I laid in bed drowning my cold sweat and my mom called. She was actually a wonderful respite. I was still shaking though. I couldn't get over the thought that I had thrown my immediate future completely away because I didn't control my nerves.
Eventually I realized that the whole deal was completely out of my hands now and I needed to engage in something therapeutic. I cooked the brussels sprouts I had bought to experiment with. I didn't actually experiment too heavily. I read some websites about how to cook them and then I boiled them. I put some left over Taco Bell fire sauce on them and they were delicious and my fears were subsided.
I then wanted to land the crushing blow. I looked around the bedroom for something I could accomplish that would put my gut at ease. I was on my laptop so the missing "h" key was a glaring problem that needed solving. Two of the little pieces including the key itself had popped off a couple days ago and were lying somewhere on the floor beside the bed. I quickly got my wits about me and found the two pieces, tiny as they are. Sparing the needless details, I put the key back in its proper place I could have sworn I heard a tiny kingdom of my loyal subjects feasting and celebrating with the utmost jocundity at this truly remarkable success.
I feel much better now.
brandonpiercegeary
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
disruption
I have not done any formal writing in a long time and I am starting to feel the weight of the absence of the practice. I have read to be sure and amassed a small fortune of scraps of paper, receipt backs and tiny notebooks attesting to the fact that my brain hasn't slowed nearly as much as I assumed it would.
"If the landscape reveals one certainty, it is that the extravagant gesture is the very stuff of creation. After the one extravagant gesture of creation in the first place, the universe has continued to deal exclusively in extravagances, flinging intricacies and colossi down aeons of emptiness, heaping profusions on profligacies with ever-fresh vigor. The whole show has been on fire from the word go. I come down to the water to cool my eyes. But everywhere I look I see fire; that which isn't flint is tinder, and the whole world sparks and flames."
Excerpt from Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, Annie Dillard pp. 16-17
And that is why I am writing this instant. I closed my eyes but the light from the blaze colored the darkness I sought all yellow and orange and left me without peace. The past couple months have seemed too much to chronicle with accuracy yet I was catching fire over the Holidays and I do not wish to be so passive and above-it-all that I doze while it all goes up in smoke.
Not that the last couple months have been anything truly Earth shattering but in my tiny part of the land they have greatly distruptive.
God save Haiti from the ground that seems to seek to devour her. The Voodoo teachings that are prevelant in Haiti say that the nation is a mother. May her own children and the neighborhood kids do everything to heal her. I heard it will most likely take till the end of this century before there is a sense of how things used to be in Haiti before the earthquake. If that is the timeline to get back to that then there is far more than mere restoration that needs to take place. Hopefully Haiti will spring up brand new and hardly be recognizable. No more misery and no more fear.
"If the landscape reveals one certainty, it is that the extravagant gesture is the very stuff of creation. After the one extravagant gesture of creation in the first place, the universe has continued to deal exclusively in extravagances, flinging intricacies and colossi down aeons of emptiness, heaping profusions on profligacies with ever-fresh vigor. The whole show has been on fire from the word go. I come down to the water to cool my eyes. But everywhere I look I see fire; that which isn't flint is tinder, and the whole world sparks and flames."
Excerpt from Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, Annie Dillard pp. 16-17
And that is why I am writing this instant. I closed my eyes but the light from the blaze colored the darkness I sought all yellow and orange and left me without peace. The past couple months have seemed too much to chronicle with accuracy yet I was catching fire over the Holidays and I do not wish to be so passive and above-it-all that I doze while it all goes up in smoke.
Not that the last couple months have been anything truly Earth shattering but in my tiny part of the land they have greatly distruptive.
God save Haiti from the ground that seems to seek to devour her. The Voodoo teachings that are prevelant in Haiti say that the nation is a mother. May her own children and the neighborhood kids do everything to heal her. I heard it will most likely take till the end of this century before there is a sense of how things used to be in Haiti before the earthquake. If that is the timeline to get back to that then there is far more than mere restoration that needs to take place. Hopefully Haiti will spring up brand new and hardly be recognizable. No more misery and no more fear.
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