As it happens, I am devolving. Reverting back to a lackadaisical and also sleepless me has exhausted my will. Thankfully last night was the first and only time this has happened but it shall be the last. I stayed up until five-ish o'clock watching metal music videos and reading years old comments on my myspace. I haven't even visited my myspace in months. This was my first tip off that I was acting suspiciously.

But it wasn't just my behavior. My very feelings went to some strange, familiar, and less me now kind of place. I think was about three o'clock that I was watching some "music video interpretation" of the song "ravage ritual" by the band zao that some sadly misguided kid made for a school project a few years ago and posted on youtube and at this point I realized something very wrong was happening to me. It is hard to explain. I was sitting there actually feeling as though what I was watching was important in some soulless way. And this after three hours of watching OnDemand freezone music videos at my in-laws' house. (bytheway the video for "Airport Surroundings" by Loney, Dear is quite terrific).

I could not conjure a reason convincing enough to actually just go to bed until I was so burnt out and lonely that I nearly wept all alone. Pathetic. It is a glorious truth that yesterday is in the past.

approximate me

I rediscovered the camera for myself today. I made my first craigslist post. I played with a remote control truck that mostly only goes in reverse. I learned that a former mentor of mine is now a #1 best-selling Christian author. It was a very revelatory day for me. For whatever reason, all of these (re)discoveries have left me with an amusing sense of displacement. What do these things say about me? Not much. Hence the amusement. I seem to be accidentally adopting all manner of zen-like attitudes towards every practical thing.

Like I said in my last post about closeness sometimes I require a feeling of knowing I am in proximity to myself. And yet it seems the closer I find myself to myself the tinier I realize me to be. I can't get near enough. Or perhaps I am actually honing in on my true nature or a truer identity within which my quantitativeness amounts to not so much. Thankfully this doesn't render me wallowing in insignificance because at the same time I gain a superior calling than mere self-reflection but significant co-mingling with (oh, coffee maker just beeped announcing it's turning off. Last call for hot, late-night beverages) the rest of creation to partake in each other. To honor each other and honor God. But then again, the times in my life when I have been able to be the most mindful of God and creation were when I did not do so much self-examination which mostly led to disconnection. I am too inward. Time to take me to the streets.

Good pooping, Beck is awesome
brandonpiercegeary